Dear Scotland - A Love Letter from the American Diaspora
As you approach your momentous vote for or against independence from Great Britain, I wanted to assure you of the support of Scottish-Americans for you no matter what your choice will be. I want to be specific. I pledge to you, on behalf, of the American diaspora, that the following behaviors will continue indefinitely:
- We will continue to unsuccessfully imitate a Scottish accent, usually ending up somewhere in between “Russian” and “Pirate.”
- We will use said “Accent” to tell “Scottish Jokes,” of which precisely 78.2% include humor based on the presence or absence of underwear underneath a kilt.
- We will continue to listen to “Scottish Music,” of which precisely 42.5% is actually Irish, and the remainder will be about whiskey, shipwrecks, fornication, and/or the presence or absence of underwear underneath a kilt.
- We will continue to wear kilts every chance we get. They will include some registered tartans. Our “purists” will sniff and snort and throw the word “authenticity” around about these. They will also include a bewildering array of plaids, solids, and even polka dots. The presence or absence of underwear underneath them will be a matter of fierce debate.
- When we wear the kilt, we will either be fussy and precise according to various disagreeing rules, or we will go absolutely stark raving bonkers. We will wear them with “Prince Charlie” jackets, T-Shirts, pirate boots, and possibly all three at once.
- When wearing the kilt, we will carry more cutlery than the entire Black Watch. This will include some very impractical dirks, various reproductions from the Noble Collection, and katanas, because, you know, Highlander.
- Steampunk in kilts.
- When we come to visit, we will continually ask why no one is wearing a kilt, why no one is playing bagpipes, and where we can get some “good haggis.” Grin wanly and point us to “McTavish’s House of Haggis” in the tourist district.
- Upon arriving, our women folk will be inquiring about druids and asking directions to Craigh na Dun. Humor this. You have much to gain.
- When we return to America, we will complain at the next Highland Games how “Un-Scottish” Scotland is.
- As an Scottish-American Episcopalian, I personally promise to continue to maintain how incredibly Scottish we are, while desperately trying to ignore the Presbyterians down the street.
Scotland the Brave, we will still love our idealized version of you no matter how you vote.